Zombie Apocalypse Diary- Week 1
I don’t like long introductions and if you have good taste (which I’m assuming you do) you don’t either. So I’m going to cut straight to it. I woke up in a room full of disembodied organs and human remains. In the corner there was a zombie, and in the other corner there were several more zombies.
“Urrgh!” said the zombies.
“FUCK!” said I.
My brand new Black Sabbath poster had fallen off. ‘Keep Thy Sabbath Holy’ isn’t my moto for nothing. As I got up to put put it back, I had a sudden for craving for cream egg. I walked onto the landing. Dead bodies littered the floor, kidneys ripped from torsos. Faces had been ripped clean off, leaving mushed eye-jelly and sinuses splattered on the wall. A zombie sat in the bathroom eating a human brain. Another body lay at the bottom of the stairs, intestines everywhere. The cream eggs were in the living room.
There were no zombies in the living room, but the window had been smashed by someone trying to escape the massacre. His body, half inside, half out, was being consumed by the zombies outside. I bit a cream egg in half, delicious creamy melt-in-the-mouth cholesterol. And contemplated the situation. I couldn’t believe that I’d missed the first night of the apocalypse. Then I wondered why all these random dudes were in my house in the first place.
Keir came into the living room and looked at the carnage of dead bodies on the floor.
“Holy shit!” he shouted. “My Cherri Bomb CD might have arrived today!”
“It should’ve! Go and check,” I replied.
With that, he teleported to his house in the middle of nowhere. A few seconds later, he appeared again.
“It hasn’t,” he said. We shared a moment of sadness together, then we remembered that we were standing in a house full of zombies and quite a few soon-to-be zombies. Many of which were now getting up and wanted to eat our brains. One of which was actually just Ben who was so hung over from all the drugs that none of the zombies could eat him without dying immediately of an overdose.
“Shit,” we said.
To be continued next week. Another album review coming later this week. I don’t know why I’m saying this, nobody reads it.
Of Tesco’s, Oreos, and the Zombie Apocalypse
It was 3 in the morning and I hadn’t slept a wink. In fact, I’d been up all night having an intense three-way chess tournament with Josh and Keir. I had won (obviously) but disaster had struck- we were out of Oreos and milk.
Tesco’s was but a mile away. So close, yet so far when it’s 3 in the morning and raining.
It was a hard, up-hill road but I had Batman converse and Red Bull gives you wings, so we were ready for anything.
You’d expect the streets to be quiet at 3AM but they were full of all kinds of bizarre creatures, many of whom give us the severe heebe-jeebes. Despite this we walked on and on our way we met Ben, who was on almost every kind of drug. Onwards we marched through the puddles and shit until we arived at Tesco’s but our journey had just begun. Oreos were on one side of the shop and milk on the other; and between them a labyrinth of 3 for 2 and 30% extra free and a fucking massive Minotaur.
We secured the oreos, but still we needed milk to dunk them in. We used a large ball of string that we had conveniently brought with us to mark our way back, and on the way we picked up some Monster, which was reduced.
We had almost arrived at the milk fridge when we met the Minotaur, which was every bit as fucking massive as the previous description implied. We used Josh as a distraction because let’s face it, he’s the most disposable character here and a story isn’t complete without a violent Minotaur-induced death. Meanwhile, we snuck past and took 2l of semi-skimmed.
We stood at the cashier while the fat lady in front enquired about every item in her trolly and Ben bought class-A drugs until it was our turn. We declined a points card and left.
It was now 3:30AM and a full scale zombie apocalypse was taking place, so we had to run back. We arrived home at 7AM and ate our prizes whilst listening to Cherri Bomb. The zombie apocalypse can wait till another day.
I will be starting a weekly Zombie Apocalypse Diary. If you read it, I will reward you will food and heroin.
Just to whet your appetites for the new album (as if they needed whetting) here’s an acoustic version of “Drawing a Blank”. I love this video. Watch at about 2:05 when Nia drops her shaker; she never misses a beat. Her left hand just continues on the beat while Julia kicks it back to her, also without missing a beat - just a little hitch in her voice as she tries desperately not to crack up. Being a pro isn’t about never making a mistake - its about how well you recover from them.
geryonduma: havent seen this in forever.. thanks for posting it :’)
Can’t wait to hear the new album!
My question… as a meme!